Wow so…they weren’t kidding when “they” said you can expect to get bigger with subsequent pregnancies…I thought I was big with Ava, and I blamed that on all the brownies I ate after my mother passed away! I think it is not helping my perception the fact that I am carrying this baby high while I carried my other two low…therefore it’s official. My muscles are officially stretched out. Yep. All the more real estate in there for the bub I guess.

I realize after I took this pic the other day that I was wearing black so you don’t get the full extent of its perfect roundness. I call this my cutest baby belly to date – how it protrudes outward and not downward. I snapped this quick pic in the dirty mirror…the one the kids have put a thousand finger prints on…I know I should clean it but I have gotten to the – why bother stage since the finger prints will be back in 5 minutes. Sorry I digress. Here’s the bad pic to show you what I mean:



The biggest significance is that I am finding my pants are staying up with just a belt without the need of belly ups…at least for now. It is certainly nice to know that I am not showing crack every time I bend over! Yes. Best preggy belly to date I must say.

I am surprised to say that Sponge Bob has not returned. When I was pregnant with Sophie and then Ava, my stomach was comically square when I was in sitting position. We would joke that I was giving birth to Sponge Bob. Now it tends to stay round and protrude outward at a point.

All this kind of appeared like, “Kablam!” overnight…I still shock myself when I walk past a mirror. Still, it seems to be evening out now…and not growing at the same rapid pace. So will I be as big a house when it is all said & done? Time will tell…



This is how big I got with Sophie -right before I gave birth! Ouch! No pointy belly until 8 months in those days. I guess my muscles were still fighting to stay intact. Photo circa September, 2007. I know…forever ago… ;)

(click for full size)



May It Be – Enya

I made this before I gave birth to Ava…I was really connected spiritually to the birth process this time, & had an amazing homebirth!! Hopefully I can pull it off again…

My reasoning for choosing not to ultrasound is not because I read statistics or an article. In fact, the information evidence gathering came a lot later. It was an instinctual feeling for me. Sophie – my first pregnancy 4 years ago – was your routine, run of the mill pre-natal care. Find a doctor accepting pregnant patients. Blood tests first, go every 4 weeks, pee in a cup, get weighed, take blood pressure, measure fundal height, use doppler to listen to heartbeat…sugar test…I also had the routine ultrasound at like 20 weeks. Low lying placenta. You will have to come back for another at 32 weeks…

Although I went along with what was required like a good patient, I never really liked how I felt after a doppler or the ultrasounds. Of course like any new parent to be, I was excited to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. It was after this first time however, that I noticed the baby moving for the first time. A lot. And so every time I had a doppler it was the same thing – a lot of movement followed by a crampy kind of feeling. Both ultrasounds the same thing…& I remember the tech having to wait during that first ultrasound because she was flipping & flopping around a lot.

I brushed those feelings off as nothing – I mean, ultrasound is routine practice, and necessary, I thought. But I still had this nagging in the back of my head. It was more of the spiritual connection I had with my unborn child – not so much the physical symptoms. Something made me feel like my child was in distress. I again, brushed it off as mother-to-be jitters.

Sophie was a generally sweet, calm newborn – however she startled very easily. We’re not even talking loud noises – unexpected noises or movements would cause her to startle and send her off to hysterics. It would take awhile to calm her down. Bath time was really difficult. Lifting her in and out of the tub regardless of how close we held her to our body would cause her to have a startle reflex. Common & necessary for motor development yes, but so hard to calm her down after. I started getting in the bath with her but still, even with both my husband & I supporting her out, she would startle and it was very distressing to us as it took awhile to get her to calm down. Breastfeeding worked, and boy, did she want to nurse. Constantly. I was worn out.

I got pregnant with Ava when Sophie was 9 months old. My Doctor had skipped town for the greener pastures of Ontario. This gave me an out – I knew this time I did not want to have medical pre-natal care. This was not due to any fear or bad experience – I actually really liked my doctor & enjoyed seeing her every month. In fact I still wasn’t there yet about the ultrasounds – having unconventional pre-natal care I just assumed I would have to go get an ultrasound for proof of pregnancy. But after weighing out the options in my head, and discussing it with Rick, trusted birth professionals and friends, I realized I could not go through with an ultrasound (I opted on a blood test showing HCG level as proof of pregnancy. My Naturopathic Doctor was sending me for blood work anyway so I had her tack it on).

That’s when I started searching for factual evidence. Are my strong feelings against this warranted or am I just crazy? Today, a good friend of mine posted an article entitled, Think Ultrasound For Babies Is Safe? Think Again. It was a good overall refresher for me and a condensed version of the research I had done during Ava’s pregnancy. Sarah Buckley’s article Ultrasound Scans- Cause for Concern was just brought to my attention & is also a good overview of the history of the ultrasound, what it is & what it does.

So with Ava’s pregnancy, I had no conventional medical pre-natal care. No peeing in cups, no doppler, no ultrasound. She had nothing but blissful calm & silence in the womb, except for hearing our voices & music…and the odd purring of a cat on my lap. She was born at home, in the water, into my waiting hands. As far as infants go, the polar opposite of her older sister. She was quiet, never startled, and was easy to calm down if she fussed. She breastfed well but not so constant that I was worn out. And, I could put her down, and she liked to be put down to have some time to herself (Sophie I could never put down. I pretty much wore her for 3+ months straight). In a nutshell, Ava seemed trusting of her environment.

Now of course, my experience is purely conjecture. A mother’s instinct. You can argue this is purely personality on the part of my children, and I thought this for some time as well. If you were to meet my kids today however, Sophie is the one who is patient, understanding, gentle and kind. Ava on the other hand is impatient, impulsive and gets very upset of not allowed to do something (she is also a little ham & a born comedian…beside the point but I just had to say… ;)).

I write this, mostly because I wince every time I give someone a politically correct answer as to why I don’t ultrasound, because I truly think all mothers deserve to have the information to make an informed decision for themselves whether they choose to have an ultrasound or not. Especially in this day & age where 3-D ultrasounds are regularly available – pay and go as many times as you want, and since you can rent dopplers for personal use for the duration of your pregnancy. We owe it to our children to ask whether or not this practice in excess is safe. I still think that ultrasounds are good diagnostic tools & necessary when complications are expected or in emergency situations.

And of course, like anything I do in my life, I make these choices based on my feelings & research – and I do not believe in judging people for their decisions. I offer up my experiences for my own process: it is my truth, despite being terribly unconventional at times for some to fully understand. Because I appreciate thoughtfulness & truth on the part of those whom I interact, I hope to inspire others. Not to be like me but to help in making an informed, empowered decision. :)

(I will blog about this pregnancy in the coming days…still planning a home birth…a bit of a twist this time though & I am still processing…)

Yes it is official…we will be (hopefully) adding to our family in the coming months. Hopefully…I know it sounds rather pessimistic, but I am a realist none-the-less. :) Nothing in life is guaranteed, but if this is meant to be it is meant to be.

The practical Taurus in me, also really, really, REEEEAAALLLY wants another girl. Mostly because, I have all the little girl gear & if it is a girl I don’t have to buy anything. Also I have had two girls so it seems rather natural to me now…I also like the sound of 3 sisters…just something magical about the number 3. :)

Sophie was the only pregnancy that I found out the sex ahead of time. Actually, she is the only pregnancy where I have had an ultrasound. I know better now than to screw around with that. I was so panicked to know she was a girl. I have two brothers & was a tom boy. I know trucks, rough housing, playing in the dirt…and Sophie has proved to be a very girly girl. She insists on having her hair done, and putting her in a frilly dress leaves her all giggly and giddy. I feel very privileged to be the mother of girls…and I would be honoured to take on that responsibility again.

I’ll be honest. It is SO. NOT. EASY! I enjoy being a mother more than words could say…more than I ever thought I would. However having children close in age – and children who happen to be emotionally needy (and I do not say this because they are girls, but simply because that is their personalities – and perhaps the truth is all children are emotionally needy and rightfully so) has really tested my patience, my inner strength, and has forced a lot of my own unresolved childhood issues to the surface. I believe feelings are to be honoured & not ignored, even in children – even when to us it seems irrational or a manipulation. Life is a dance…a delicate balance between the two dance partners…and the beauty of children is that they are so readily forgiving and willing to dance with you…even if you have two left feet and step on their toes! Many of my adult relationships are severely unbalanced…where I tend to give a lot and get nothing or little in return. And I mean this in an emotional sense, not a tangible sense. So to see just how willing & open someone with just a few short years on this earth can be to learn to dance with you – despite how painful or difficult it may be…well, to me, children are filled with eternal wisdom….

So what if we have a boy? Well of course, he will be loved to pieces by his mother, father & two older sisters. To be honest, everything points to having a boy this pregnancy. This pregnancy is so polar opposite to my other two…and when I do my meditations or think of him/her I picture a little boy, whereas with my first two I always pictured a little girl. Perhaps it is time to start a journey to help develop a strong, sensitive, independent young man…and all I can think, is thank God for his father, as my husband is the best example of a good man that I can think of…

- Enya

In the wee hours of the morning of March 25th, our newest little angel emerged into the world, into her mother’s waiting hands. It was exhilarating. It was exciting. It was frenzied. It was euphoric. I still sum it up in one word: AMAZING! I will never forget the feeling, of reaching down, only to my amazement to find her little tiny head…I had not even realized her whole head had emerged. Once more I bared down making almost inhuman, animalistic sounds, the vibrations of my voice echoing downward helping to birth her body, and into my waiting arms she came…all this in the comfort of my own home, in a very swift labour lasting approx. 3 hours from start to finish. The water felt wonderful and kept the contractions bearable. I never knew birth could be this wonderful – feel this wonderful. Sophie’s birth was swift with no drugs in the hospital but I felt traumatized trying to push her out on my back. This was how it was intended…complete and total connection from start to finish, without intervention.

Ava Rose Celeste Deveau
6lbs. 4oz.
3:39am
March 25th, 2009.

I feel so lucky to have a picture of the very moment I caught her and lifted her out of the water…that is pure and utter joy…

I recovered very quickly from this birth. Within hours I felt like I did not even have a baby!

Besides the moment I caught her, the highlight of the birth was Sophie meeting her sister for the very first time. Tender moments we will always hold dear…

Sophie slept through the whole thing in the next room. When Ava was born, Rick went to our bedroom to check on Sophie, & she was sitting on the edge of our bed, smiling, just waiting for someone to come get her. Her awareness is absolutely amazing to me. I do believe my mother kept her company through it all…

Ava grabbed Sophie’s finger right away…instant connection…

The proud family! It didn’t even feel like we were up all night…the four of us retreated to our bed at around 6am and slept for several hours until we got hungry again.

Well, it’s March. I don’t know how we got here as we have had the most uneventful, wimpy winter here in Québec. Compared to major blizzard after blizzard last year…trust me, I am not complaining…but it has left us with a feeling of waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop all winter. At this rate winter will be over & spring will be upon us!

Someone mentioned the other day, that I have not blogged at all about this pregnancy. You know, I just haven’t had the urge. This has been a very uneventful pregnancy. I’d like to say that everything is textbook but I’d like to see it as above average. I haven’t had any illness, I have had great energy throughout & the past few weeks I have been like an energizer bunny getting housework done & working again on my jewelry business. I will be reaching my New Year’s goal of 100 pieces in my Etsy Shop probably tomorrow, which is a great accomplishment. I also wanted 20 sales by the time this baby comes & I have exceeded that. Mission accomplished. It’s nice to incorporate something creative into my life again.

But back to pregnancy & birth and all that. If I thought Sophie was an easy pregnancy…I think this one has been pretty much the same except this baby moved a lot more & a lot sooner than Sophie, which is a lot considering how much she moved! I swear he/she also has their father’s rhythm as it feels like they are playing a set of drums in there. The other major difference, is that by this stage with Sophie, she was pretty much ready to bust out. She was a stretcher, & her feet were constantly planted firmly in my ribs the last couple of weeks. Which is probably why she was born at 37 weeks. She still likes to stretch out. From the moment she was born I saw that signature stretch that I felt when she was in the womb. When she is in bed with her dad & I, I am constantly reminded at how much she flopped around in utero. :)

This bambino, however, has an easy-going energy about them. Which, in the long run, is great for us…however I have a sinking feeling they are not going to want to come out of there! I have absolutely no discomfort…in fact I tend to forget that I am pregnant even this late in the game, until I feel movement! They seem very comfortable so I wouldn’t be surprised if I go overdue with this one. That said, there will be no induction or doctor intervention as far as I’m concerned. I remember Sophie’s birth, & how the doctors marvelled at just being there to catch…they did nothing. The only indication that I had that she was coming out soon is that they started putting on their goggles, gloves & “hazmat” suits. So sad that birth in hospitals is treated so sterile. Those dirty, dirty birth canals we have…just a big ball of infections women’s vaginas are. *Roll eyes* Those poor neonates, so terribly fragile their immune systems, right? Yet we give birth in a germy cesspool of an institution with a healthy dose of MERSA to go around…and allow the medical community to do all kinds of “precautionary” procedures that leave our babies open & prone to infection…anyway, I am digressing…the point I was starting to make is that babies come out eventually, by design. If they need a little extra time, take it. They obviously need it! There are many positions to give birth other than writhing in pain on your back with a suctioning device or a scalpel…

I was thinking, that last March we had a 6month old…now I am about to have an infant…are we nuts? LOL! Truth is, as uneventful and quick this pregnancy has been, we are both very excited to be parents again. There is a lot of mystery around this baby…since we do not know the sex…there definitely is a lot of female energy around this baby (conceived on the new moon, due on the new moon) but really, we would be thrilled with whatever we get. I haven’t had an ultrasound, so there aren’t any clues as to what this one will look like at all…I remember Sophie’s signature lips on her ultrasound picture! I regret subjecting her to unnecessary & dangerous sonograms though…oh well, live & learn.

The hiccups! This baby has chronic hiccups just like their sister did…definitely inherited from their father! I feel it right now…hic…hic…hic…hic…yes, it feels weird. If there was any doubt whether the head is down or not…the hiccups coming from my pelvis certainly confirm that! ;)

The other major change this pregnancy, was that I prepared my body for birth with Sophie: prenatal yoga, lots of walking…but didn’t do a lot of the mental/spiritual work. This time I have made this top priority. I have spent a lot of time getting my mind ready for birth. This has certainly been a spiritual pregnancy: in fact I keep seeing the number 7 everywhere lately (spiritual number). I feel very one/whole & close to this child already. Hopefully I can use this positive awareness to bring him/her into the world gently. A good start means a lot to the development, mental & physical health this lifetime for his/her soul…

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything’s going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all I know is everything’s going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try, try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I’m telling you there ain’t no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

~Alicia Keys

(popular chart topper when Sophie was born…)

So my plan to pump and bottle feed her for a few days helped immensely. I started to heal from the bad latches and the pain subsided. Only, my attempts to reintroduce nursing her totally failed Monday, and didn’t get better Tuesday. I had lost my nerve. Every time I would bring her up to feed I would tense up, and you need to be totally relaxed or it just doesn’t work, not to mention painful. I thought, well, I just got to be patient, maybe I need to heal longer…

But yesterday, I was bored out of my mind while Rick was out running errands, so I went upstairs, moved her Amby hammock into the kitchen, snapped a few pics of her, and then started to do a bit of housework. I guess I was feeling really useless since I was not having any luck nursing her, so I thought I should do a bit of tidying up. No sooner than me putting a couple of things away, I started to bleed again. My bleeding had slowed down to basically nothing, and here I was, bleeding again. It was my body’s way of saying, it was too soon. I should be resting, not doing anything but looking after me and my baby, not straightening up the dining room, regardless of how low impact I thought it was. On our dining table was Rivka’s (our doula’s) notes on breastfeeding successfully, and I just began to weep. I was feeling so alone; so abandoned; so lost. Why couldn’t I do this? I talk to so many other mothers who do it successfully and enjoy the bond with their child. I want that. Why can’t I have that?

You see, I think the point people miss, is that it is not about just feeding your child. It is about nourishing your child’s spirit as well as body. They get such comfort out of nursing, being close to you. The moment that child is born, and is laid on your chest, they are immediately looking for the breast. They latch on as if it was old hat to them (unless you have had drugs at birth, then it may take longer). At that moment your breasts become a different entity; not something that looks good in a sweater; not something men like to oogle; they have transitioned into something far more important: comfort and nourishment for your child. They no longer have a sexual connotation; and anyone who thinks so needs to get their head examined.

I am in no way saying, if you choose not to breastfeed, you are wrong. Quite the contrary, in fact Sophie has had formula (along with pumped breast milk) the past 4 days because I was feeling like I couldn’t do it. I was fine with that, if I truly felt I didn’t want to. But the truth was, yesterday afternoon, I realized I wanted to. I wanted that closeness; that bond back that we had the first few hours of her life. It is what I want, and that should not be denied to me. The thought was starting to make me resentful; I was going from being resentful for feeding her because of the pain to being resentful because I couldn’t feed her.

So through tears, I wrote Rivka an email. I knew that I couldn’t get the words out if I called. She called me later that evening, and set me up with her midwife contact, Basia, who is also a certified lactation consultant. Rivka, is a wonderful, caring, non-judgmental woman. In the moment of speaking to her, I was getting the reassurance and in a lot of ways, nurturing I needed. She expressed how she felt after the birth of her youngest, her 5th, at the age of 44. I realized this wasn’t just new mom stress; I had valid feelings and even a seasoned mom has similar feelings.

You see, Rivka and I surmised that my breastfeeding problems were linked to an emotional issue. Breastfeeding went awry the day last week my mother pretty much told me she was not coming up after all until later (let’s just leave it at that). It was crushing to me, as I realized that although I had become a mother, I needed to be mothered. That emotional issue affected both of us; Sophie could pick up on my despair and therefore feeding became difficult to her as well. Breastfeeding is not just an act to feed your child; if you cannot totally relax and be completely emotionally whole, it will never work. It is, again, and emotional tie between you and your child.

So Rivka suggested I get in the bath with her last night; and that worked! Sophie is normally very fussy at bath time, but as soon as she got in the big tub with me, there was an immediate look of happiness and recognition on her face. Water, is very much like the womb. It caused us both to relax, and I was able to nurse her.

Out of the tub, however, I wasn’t having any luck. So Basia came over this afternoon, assessed my technique, gave me some tips, and most importantly, the encouragement I needed to continue. I had it down, I just lost confidence. Plus after Rivka suggested the night before I release the hurt and abandonment feelings, that made Sophie relax, too. So today, Mom and baby are very happy.

So, why so much chat about my breasts, you ask? Because I know some of you think I should just give it up and give her a bottle, and abandon it. These are the reasons why I do not want to abandon it (let’s not even mention the aesthetic reasons…like my pregnancy belly is disappearing – fast!); and if this information helps someone else someday, understand the feelings they are going through, then it is worth the lack of privacy. I have always lived out loud, and this is just another example of that. It may make some uncomfortable… ;)

Sophie will be two weeks old tomorrow, so I wanted to post a few of the pics we have taken of her first moments in this world. Thanks to Rivka’s advice, we were able to have a successful nursing session last night. That just totally put me on a high; she is always happy, but last night, I was feeling so good…so I went and resized a few of her pix while she slept in her drunken stupor from breast milk for your viewing enjoyment. :)

First moments with Daddy in the hospital the day I was born, Sept. 20th.

After our first bath, getting dressed to come home, Sept. 21st.

First car ride..headin’ home to the ‘burbs…

Home now…still asleep from that car ride…

First picture with Mommy. Mommy swore off pictures in the hospital, until she could come home and have a proper shower! :)

My fave place to sleep…Mama’s chest…

Out in the sunshine of the backyard…Sept. 29th

Sleeping in my Amby, Oct 2nd

Sleeping next to Mama on the couch, Oct 2nd

It’s only been two weeks, but her facial features are becoming more defined; less “blobby” newborn. :) Her eyes are getting wider and today I actually saw her pupils. Her hair is becoming lighter; it’s really pretty, more resembling Rick’s hair colour with an infusion of mine. She is more alert and just loves to lay there and take everything in. What a peanut. :)

It’s hard to believe that this time last week I was sitting here excitedly because my water just broke. And today, here I sit, with our beautiful, angelic daughter.

When we got home, Rick set me up with a keyboard on the couch so I could leave my laptop on the coffee table and just type away. It’s nice since Sophie pretty much spends all day on my chest; not to mention I can’t get a top on right now to save my life…so it’s a good way to keep in contact with the outside world.

I really don’t know what we did before the internet; if we have questions about something, we consult the ‘net before even thinking of calling the nurse about minor things. We’re not panicky individuals at all, but it’s so nice to keep educated on things we don’t know about.

Rivka (our doula) was over Monday to check on how things are going. I totally wracked one nipple on Saturday when my milk came in; my boobs were just so big I had a hard time getting her to latch properly. That is painful at times but it is healing and Rivka is confident with my feeding.

She was also commenting how Sophie is the perfect copy of a person who is 50% me and 50% Rick. She doesn’t look like me or Rick, she looks like me AND Rick. Don’t let her Asian features throw you off…and those will fade more with time (much to my disappointment…hee hee…). I giggle watching the two of them sleep at night…Rick & Sophie sleep the same way, with the same expressions!

We are amazed at how well things are going. Sophie is a very well adjusted baby; if I wasn’t convinced natural birth was the way to go before, I certainly am now! More later…she is starting to fuss on my chest and will want to be fed soon. Here’s a few more pics, though…